


Stream of Conscious Thought

by ambientbliss



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Accidental Self Harm, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Derek is trying, Gen, Hurt!Stiles, Protective Derek, Scott is a Bad Friend, Sterek ish, Stiles is broken, The Sheriff's name is John..., The nogitsune is to blame, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 19:49:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9008641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambientbliss/pseuds/ambientbliss
Summary: Stiles is run down. The Nogitsune really messed him up, and his Adderall isn't working so Stiles takes up writing, which might not have been the best idea. Oh btw... Derek decided to come back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is a story where the timeline differs from the show. The pack faces the Nogitsune during sophomore year, and the Dread Doctors hit at the end of the same year. Scott and Stiles haven’t spoken since the confrontation about Donovan. The Sheriff lived, but Melissa McCall was catering to him, insisting on taking care of him which made Stiles feel like he wasn’t needed.

Everyone, 

I am so sorry. I cannot keep hurting people. This thing is taking more control and I don’t know how much longer I have anyway. I made you promise not to let more people get hurt because of me, and I am going to make sure that I never hurt anyone again. It won’t be easy, but if what we have found out is true, then the Nogitsune will not win if I kill it from the inside. I don’t think I have time to write something special to each of you… but I hope you all know that I didn’t want this. I never wanted this. Scott… take care of my dad will ya?

Stiles, while I am still Stiles.

The scrawl was shaky, not his usual slanted script. He vaguely remembers thinking all of this, but he doesn’t remember putting the pen to paper. He never told anyone about it when he found it, stuffed in the top drawer of his desk. Stiles didn’t know why he kept it either, always in the same place he found it. He pulled it out every now and then to take a look at it, especially since Theo said he was still void. But every time he reads it he feels those emotions pour back into him, more so now. 

Stiles had been distracted lately, more than usual. Of course his adderall didn’t seem to be working, and he didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. His dad was constantly on doubles, or with Melissa. Which he thought was a little odd, but he wasn’t going to question it. He and Scott still had not said a word to each other, Lydia was gone - off somewhere with her mother to decompress. At least that is what they told him. The teen took refuge in a stack of paper, writing his random thoughts as they came in, usually he threw them away, but when he was finished writing what seemed to be one long stream of thought something kept him from throwing it in the wastebasket. He couldn’t focus enough to even re-read what he wrote to know what it was about, but he folded the paper and stashed it with the other unforgotten note.

Depression is a harsh thing, but Stiles seemed to come closer and closer to it. The sheriff didn’t need him to look over him all the time, and Scott was unpredictable. There were phases of ‘I don’t want to talk to him’ and ‘he doesn’t want to talk to me’. Stiles just needed to get out of the house, move around and stop looking at the same walls over and over. It was summer so there was no need for school work. He hopped in his Jeep and drove until he found himself at the preserve.

He sat by a creek on a large flat rock picking the bark off of a small stick. Occasionally tossing the bark into the water and watching it float away. The thoughts were a little quieter here, but not by much. Why the hell isn’t it working? I’m doing the right doses! He kept repeating the same words hoping there would be an answer at some point. Stiles hadn’t realized how long he had been sitting there, but time stood still when he heard twigs crack and leaves rustle behind him. Dear god, I am going to die trying to clear my head. He screwed his eyes together waiting for the expected blow. When it never came his lids opened and he turned cautiously. What he saw made him jump, but not for fear. 

The leather clad figure was all too familiar. “When did you come back?” his voice didn’t sound his own. 

“I just got back yesterday.” Derek’s voice sounded rough through the relative silence in the woods. 

“How did you know I was here?” Derek scoffed a little at the question. Stiles knew the answer but he was curious anyway. 

“I heard your heartbeat. What the hell are you doing out here by yourself?” Stiles shook his head, suppressing a laugh. Of course Derek would have heard his heartbeat. He wasn’t so far from the Hale mansion. 

“Well Sourwolf, to answer your question I am out here clearing my head. I was feeling extra jittery and cooped up at home, so I figured that the fresh air would do me good.” 

It wasn’t quite the truth, but it wasn’t a lie either. He turned back to the water. It only took a moment, but Derek was then standing beside him. 

“I heard things got a little out of hand while I was gone.” Derek’s voice almost sounded like the Sheriff, questioning. Stiles took a deep breathe. He didn’t want to get into the details of everything right now, so he settled for vague responses. 

“Yeah, it did. Everyone got through it one way or another, like we always do.” There was more silence. Stiles knew it was because the wolf was trying to detect any lie he could. Knowing that the teen was an impeccable liar, but he struggled to find anything tangible. As the quiet drug on Stiles felt even more antsy, he stood quickly which surprised Derek. 

“You okay?” His brow knit together in what Stiles liked to call his sassy eyebrows.

“Yeaup. Fine. I just have to go see my dad.” The words came out fast, he knew Derek would hear his heartbeat change. He turned and started walking back to his Jeep, relieved when Derek didn’t follow him. He drove with the radio as loud as it would go, hoping to blur out some of the relentless thoughts. There was something wrong, and he didn’t quite understand it.

\--------

A few days had passed since his encounter with Derek in the woods. Stiles hadn’t seen nor heard from the guy since. It kind of bothered him. Derek was too quiet, usually he was butting in on everyone’s business if something was wrong. The whole pack mentality. Maybe he hasn’t figured it out that something is wrong with the pack. The thought was the most sound thought he had actually had in awhile. Maybe the adderall is working now. His body was less jittery today, but that could just be in his head. After the Nogitsune he was still questioning some things on if they were in his head or if they were real. He was constantly counting his fingers silently. 

Today the Sheriff was working another double shift, the first of many this week. Stiles hadn’t felt like leaving the house to forage for food so he settled for attempting to cook. It reminded him of his mom. She always tried to teach him how to cook, but there was never ending distractions for him. She never lost her patience with Stiles, and he seemed to take that for granted, or at least that was how he felt now. He missed her more than ever. Stiles had been trying to open a package of salami that his father had bought but the scissors were nowhere in sight. His mother would have scolded him but he grabbed a sharp knife from the block and sliced into the packaging. 

“Shit.” 

The blade had cleared the packaging effectively cutting it open, but the package wasn’t the only thing it sliced. Stiles looked down at the red pool forming in his palm. Of course you would cut yourself. He abandoned the package of meat and headed to the bathroom to bandage his wound. After cleaning it up it wasn’t as deep as he thought, and certainly did not warrant stitches, but he wrapped it up in gauze and bandages to keep it from getting infected. It wasn’t that deep but it hurt like a bitch. God I hate being wounded. Stiles snatched a painkiller from the medicine cabinet and headed back to the kitchen to put the salami away. He wasn’t that hungry anymore. 

While he was back in his room he pulled his stashed letters out of his desk drawer, he read over the oldest one and then set to read over the new letter to finally remember what he wrote, but his eyes grew heavy. Knowing his dad wouldn’t be home until the morning he didn’t bother to put the papers away. He just slinked over to his bed and fell forward, burying his face in the pillow. 

\------

Derek stood in Scott’s living room pacing back and forth. He had known something was wrong but he didn’t understand how wrong everything truly was. Scott had been sitting on the couch listening to Derek lecture him on the situation. Theo was obviously a threat the entire time, he was floored that Scott didn’t trust Stiles’ instincts like he always has. Scott’s alpha status was blurring the lines between the importance of his friendship with Stiles and the begging of someone to join his pack. 

Scott hadn’t said anything in awhile, and Derek didn’t care. He was more concerned with the fact that Stiles had not responded to his text messages, or the phone call. Something was off, and he was going to get to the bottom of it, not caring if it pissed Scott off in the process. The older wolf stormed out of the house leaving Scott in the living room. He was going to talk to Stiles. 

It didn’t take him long to pull the Camaro into the driveway of the Stilinski house. To his relief the blue Jeep was there. The Sheriff must be at work, the cruiser was gone. He knocked on the door. Nothing. Rung the doorbell. Nothing. He tried the doorknob, success. It was unlocked, which seemed a little weird to Derek but he wasn’t going to question it now. 

The house was quiet, he heard the heartbeat of Stiles upstairs so he headed toward the sound of the slightly erratic beat. As he crossed the threshold of the bedroom he saw Stiles sprawled out on the bed face down. Derek moved to wake him but his attention was brought to an odd smell coming from the desk. He found two pieces of paper lying on the desk, the first reeked with desperation, and anxiety. The contents were worrying, but the smell of depression, sorrow and guilt almost steamed off of the second paper. 

Carefully Derek picked it up, reading each word carefully. Every scrawled sentence pushed a worry through the wolf. Stiles breathing quickly changed, that is when it hit Derek. Realizing what these notes really were. His head whipped to look at Stiles but a whiff of blood and something that numbed his tongue a little surged into the air. Oh shit! A hundred thoughts ran through his mind, before his body went into action.

“STILES!”

\------

“STILES!” 

The voice boomed, startling him out of his sleep and knocking him onto the floor. His eyes fluttered open with haste, sight forming around Derek standing in the middle of his bedroom.

“What the hell!” A growl surged through the air coming from Derek stopping Stiles from continuing to say anything else. 

“What the hell is right! What did you do? Why have you been ignoring your phone?” 

Stiles was just human but he was sure that he could hear the wolf’s heart jump up a couple speeds. The boy shook his head trying to remember where he had put his phone, and wondering what the hell Derek was even talking about in the first pace. 

“I-I don’t know, my phone is somewhere in the house.” He rubbed his head a little, trying to pull out of the fog from his sleep. “It is either in the kitchen or the bathroom downstairs I guess.” Derek’s eyes bore into Stiles. 

“What the hell are these?” He lifted the now slightly crumpled pieces of paper. Stiles didn’t know that your heart could jump into your throat at the same time that your stomach fell to the floor. Shit..no.no.no. 

“They are just random thoughts I have been scribbling.” Worst lie ever Stilinski. Stiles wouldn’t make eye contact with Derek even though he knew that he was making an attempt at staring into his soul. The silence was deafening.

“Why would you write these.” Derek’s voice was a little softer. Stiles licks his lips, drawing the bottom one into bit down on. 

“Well if you must know…” he tried his hand at a little sarcasm, but the words fell flat. He huffed and tried again. “Okay fine. I wrote the first one while I was still kind of me in the Nogitsune. I wasn’t going to hurt anyone anyone and I wanted everyone to know that I was going to do something for them. Save them from saving me, but we figured out a better idea. I just haven’t convinced myself to throw it away… especially because I know that if I would have just done what I was planning Allison and Aiden would still be alive.” 

Stiles fidgets a little, bringing his hand up to scratch at his forehead. That is when Derek sees the bandage poking through the hoodie sleeve. He rushed to Stiles. 

“What the hell did you do? What did you take?” He grabbed his face and checked his pupils. Stiles pulled away.

“Jesus dude! Back off!! What the hell is your problem? If you are going to be in my face just leave me alone.” The words came out with anger. He didn’t understand why Derek was in his face and so aggressive, and was that concern plastered in his green eyes? 

“Not if you are going to try and kill yourself!” The words punched Stiles in the stomach. 

“What? That was from the Nogitsune…”

This time it wasn’t a lie, and he knew Derek could tell. The papers shook in his clinched fist. He was trying to keep the wolf at bay through his anger but was struggling.   
“Then what the hell is this?” He lifted the newer piece of paper that Stiles had still never had a chance to really read. 

“Just random thought.” This wasn’t a lie. The look on Derek’s face worried Stiles, he snatched the paper and read it.

Since I’m not part of the pack anymore I don’t even know why I am addressing this, but I feel like you should know. Since I seem to be always in the way, or always doing something wrong I am going to remove myself before one of you has to, or has to see it happen. It seems like I am not needed anymore anyway so it shouldn’t come as a shock. I can’t tend for my own father without being pushed out of the way, my friends won’t speak to me because I tried to stay alive. A friendship that I thought was forever was apparently not. The girl I loved will never love me back, but that was a given. Everyone knew that. I guess I wanted to get to the point. I hope this wasn’t all for nothing. The pack will live on, it seems like you have already. Dad will live on, he needs someone other than me anyways. If trying to stay alive and doing what some think is wrong then I guess I will just take care of the issue, and let what should have happened happen now.

The paper shook in Stiles’ hands. 

“It’s not… this isn’t….please don’t tell anyone.” 

Tears pricked the back of his eyes, he didn’t want to look at Derek. He was sure there would be some cold remark about him crying but there wasn’t one. 

“Stiles.” Derek’s voice was quiet again. “What did you mean trying to stay alive?” 

Stiles took a deep breathe. It was time he told someone other than Scott. It was a matter of minutes before Stiles word vomited everything that happened with Donovan, the dread doctors, Theo, everything. Derek stood there silently, seething. Stiles braced himself for a lecture on not killing people that could be saved but it didn’t come, but the words that did were full of anger.

“So Scott believed Theo over you, and wouldn’t even let you explain what happened? He told me about Donovan, what you just told me was not the same story. It was the truth, but not what Scott was told.” 

Stiles could see the anger pouring out of Derek as he started to pace. 

“Whoa there, don’t stomp a hole in my floor.” Some sarcasm returning to his voice. “Please don’t tell anyone. I wasn’t consciously planning on anything, at least not that I remember. My adderall hasn’t been working, I don’t have Scott or Lydia to talk to… Melissa is coddling my dad… I just started to write. Usually I throw it away but I don’t know why I didn’t throw that away. I should have… but I don’t know I guess I just couldn’t.” 

Derek stopped pacing to look at Stiles. For the first time he saw a broken down boy, not a strong sarcastic asshole that he was used to dealing with. This pack was breaking apart and Derek could see it in how Stiles sat on the edge of his bed. 

“Stiles.” The boy lifted his head. 

“Huh?” The voice was distant, almost as if it was ashamed to be in the same room with Derek, and Stiles felt like he wanted to get out of that room or away from him as fast as he could before he decided to be a savior. 

“You need to talk to Scott.” Those 6 words were what Stiles didn’t want to hear, but he knew he had no choice. 

“Okay.”


End file.
